I got to the point (and if it could have physically happened it would have) that my brain was going to explode ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. I would not leave my house, i was frustrated, angry and most of all i felt like my once vibrant soul was being tortured, day and night. My day's would start as quickly as they finished. I did not sleep. I did not stop cleaning.......i did not leave the house. I felt like Sunday night would come around so quickly, like there had been no day's inbetween. I had achieved nothing new, had no new experiences or challenges as my "anxiety" had me so ravelled up with "hypervigilance" that i would spend so much time over analysing and disecting every situation before it had even happened that i never actually got to experience the situation. I was terrified of living.
Changes had to be made. I'm smart enough to know that i was missing out and determined enough to know that i can have more, all i had to figure out was how i was going to get where i wanted to be and what steps did i have to take THERE AND THEN to give myself a better life. So long story short......i packed up my house and i moved interstate to be closer to my family. Since the day i got here, my life has powered forward. Still baby steps at this stage but every single day i notice myself doing something that i would not have had the patience or awareness to do only a few months ago. Even i find it truly amazing and i love every second of it.
Today it rained, just lightly but rain all the same. It hasnt stopped all day. A few months ago i would have not gone outside in the rain, not because i was scared of it but there is no chance i would have gone outside, in my clothes purely to look around and stand in the rain. Not only did i stand there, i looked up and let it rain on me. I stayed still and silent. I felt every burst of misty rain that passed over me. Then i smiled.