Monday, March 5, 2012

Ok, so here goes my millionth attempt at blogging. Forgive me if everything is backwards and know i'm trying my best!! So my life has changed quite dramatically over the past few month's. My entire world has gone from being a long, continuous, evil hate spiral riddled with completely consuming anxiety, never ending self-loathing, fury, rage, disgust, hopelessness and wondering THERE HAS TO BE MORE!!!

 I got to the point (and if it could have physically happened it would have) that my brain was going to explode ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. I would not leave my house, i was frustrated, angry and most of all i felt like my once vibrant soul was being tortured, day and night. My day's would start as quickly as they finished. I did not sleep. I did not stop cleaning.......i did not leave the house. I felt like Sunday night would come around so quickly, like there had been no day's inbetween. I had achieved nothing new, had no new experiences or challenges as my "anxiety" had me so ravelled up with "hypervigilance" that i would spend so much time over analysing and disecting every situation before it had even happened that i never actually got to experience the situation. I was terrified of living.

Changes had to be made. I'm smart enough to know that i was missing out and determined enough to know that i can have more, all i had to figure out was how i was going to get where i wanted to be and what steps did i have to take THERE AND THEN to give myself a better life. So long story short......i packed up my house and i moved interstate to be closer to my family. Since the day i got here, my life has powered forward. Still baby steps at this stage but every single day i notice myself doing something that i would not have had the patience or awareness to do only a few months ago. Even i find it truly amazing and i love every second of it. 

Today it rained, just lightly but rain all the same. It hasnt stopped all day. A few months ago i would have not gone outside in the rain, not because i was scared of it but there is no chance i would have gone outside, in my clothes purely to look around and stand in the rain. Not only did i stand there, i looked up and let it rain on me. I stayed still and silent. I felt every burst of misty rain that passed over me. Then i smiled.

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